Extreme happiness v. exceedingly pleasant

It's been 3 months since my last post. My dad has complained. I have something I want to say and the inclination to say it here. So, welcome back.

When was the last time you were so happy, you shouted aloud? -- Not a direct quote, but something to that effect. I heard this today on RadioLab. The speaker was Aleksander Gamme, a "professional adventurer." One of his recent adventures was a solo trek across Antarctica. Along the way, he buried caches of food - to lighten his load & provide sustenance later when he really needed it. Like on Day 86, at which point he'd lost 55 pounds. When he finds his last cache, he doesn't even remember what's in it. When he finds Cheese Doodles, he lets out a shout of pure joy, that goes on & on, and which is revived as he finds more bags of goodies.

I can't remember when I last shouted aloud? I mean for pure happiness. Can you?

I had an exceedingly pleasant day.

Yesterday was a HUGE day. My daughter's 3rd birthday party. We went fairly low-key. Just some friends & neighbors, what little family we have locally. But I did want her to feel super special and have a blast. Mission accomplished.

Today, we kept intentionally uneventful for her.

I, on the other hand, got to have a mini-reunion with a couple friends from days of yore - my mid-20s in DC, a lifetime ago! A bit of beach lounging, followed by delicious brunch that has yet to digest. Plain lovely.

On my way home, I heard the RadioLab episode - well, half of it. I have every intention of downloading the podcast - you know, sometime.

When I got back, naptime had just ended, followed by a leftover cupcake. The overwhelming aspect of all her new loot has worn off, and she's ready to play at a somewhat less frenetic pace - you know, one at a time. We colored an Ariel mural, did a floor puzzle of the 50 Nifty United States, then hit the swing set again. Afterward, the 3 of us played a few rounds of CandyLand before dinner.
When I read the rules of CandyLand, I thought it was silly how simple it was. Yeah. Now I understand. Rules? Turns? Schmules & Splurns. CandyLand may exist exclusively to teach children the concept of a boardgame. As well as to reinforce patience in their parents.

After dinner, we had some grapes on the patio, then she went down the slide a few more times. As I was sitting watching her & enjoying a lovely breeze, it occurred to me - exceedingly pleasant.
I'll take it.
Perhaps you don't need to starve yourself and ski 10 hours daily for 86 days in frigid conditions to achieve extreme happiness.
Perhaps I should shout aloud that I have as many exceedingly pleasant days in my life as I do.

On that note - Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!

Centered & Consistent

My brother posted a link on Facebook the other day. He commented: "Can we get a center-right coalition, please?"

The article was about Republicans for Planned Parenthood. 

What? That exists? 

Yeah, I didn't know either.

My reply was: "Center Right, Center Left. I'll take either. Center Center?"

Does that exist?

Like operational in the real world?

Not to my knowledge.

Centered Schmentered.

And what about Consistency.

Nah.

Just take this Republicans for Planned Parenthood thing. Why didn't we know about them? 

Because the party line is "No abortions. Ever. Under any circumstances. End of story."

In my humble opinion, it is inconsistent to the point of blatant absurdity. Why inconsistent?

Because purportedly the core of the party is Freedom. 

Freedom of religion.

Freedom to bear arms.

Freedom for "job creators" to behave in any fashion they see fit.

Businesses can make decisions about anything. People can make decisions about anything, except anything having to do anything with sex.

(Abstinence only. No abortions. No same-sex marriage. Connect-the-dots.)

I don't get it. I just plain don't get it.

On the other hand, I don't feel completely at home in the Democratic Party. 100% for certain, it's my best option. I just wish I had more options.

Like one consistently in the Center. Okay, let's be honest - left of center.

                    

Pro-Birth

The "conservative base" insists Republican candidates be Pro-Life. Except, in my humble opinion, the position has nothing to do with life. The position is only Anti-Abortion. If you want "Pro" in the title of your position, may I suggest "Pro-Birth"?

A Pro-Life position would care about the baby/child/human after s/he comes into the world.

And that would mean making sure every s/he has access to adequate healthcare, decent primary education, and the ability to afford to even consider secondary education. On an even more basic level - no child should live in "food insecurity."

But poverty exists. In America. 15 million Americans live in poverty. Yes, like the pictures on TV. Except here.

Where do you suppose you'd find the highest poverty levels? Yep. Among families headed by single mothers. 40%. Forty percent. Overall, child poverty rose to 32% in 2010.

So if we care so much about making sure these babies are born, can we please do something about their lives?

Fake it till you Make it

When people ask how you are, you say fine.
Everyone does. (Almost everyone.)
Some of us say so with a great big smile.
Some of us are much less convincing.
To some of my friends or even closer acquantainces (that's a thing, right?) - I say -

"Fake it till you make it."

Smiling when I don't especially feel like smiling.

It doesn't always happen.

But when it does? Magic.
It's good practice.
It reminds me how good it feels to feel good.
It reminds me how many reasons I have to feel good.


And what's more magic?
The other person smiles back.
Smiles make me happy.

PS - sometimes they don't smile back right away.
Kill 'em with kindness.
A totally over-played axiom.
And for a reason.
It works.
If you keep smiling at another person, there's only so long they can scowl back.
And if they keep scowling back forever & ever, well - so be it.

I'm not a religious person, but I remember this song from Sunday school. Do you?

The Magic Penny

Love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give away,
You end up having more.

It's just like a Magic Penny,
Hold on tight and you won't have any.
Lend it, spend it, and you'll have so many,
They'll roll all over the floor.

For love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give away,
You end up having more.



Truth.

Hard Choices -- Now, It's Personal -- Healthcare, part 2

Perhaps you've heard how much I loved the birth of my daughter. Perhaps you know me well enough to know of passion for natural birth.



If you do or you don't, I'll be brief - I am passionate about natural birth. I believe it's what's best for mom & baby. I know it is what was right for me & my daughter. I know that if I have another baby, I want to do it again.

I won't go into the reasons why. The evidence and experiences that led me here. You might disagree with me. You might even think I'm out of my mind. Fine. That debate is not what this post is about.

This post is about choices.

Recently, I broke my silence regarding the healthcare law. I explained in theory why I support the Affordable Care Act - mandate and all.

But now, it's personal.

We want to have another baby. (Sort of. Or at least we think we do. But that's also a topic for another day. Or a never day.)

I loved the OB practice we used with our daughter. Go back them, right? Easy choice.
Except not. In the past 2 years, my insurance dropped my beloved OB. I don't begrudge my employee. Our benefits are top-notch, amazing even. Majority rules; economies of scale. Nearly every child-bearable employee was going to a branch of a large OB practice in town. I get it.

But I honestly felt punched in the gut when I learned about it. My choices - 1) Pick a new OB in-network. 2) Or go to my old one - and pay 30% of all costs instead of 10%.
Based on the research I did during pregnancy one, this is the only practice in town that is truly friendly to natural birth. 

So, get new insurance, right? Easy choice.
Except not. My husband looked into his employer's insurance. For starters, the premium was more than twice the cost of mine. (See, I really do have it really good.) Same story for an individual plan.

In 2014, if no one repeals it, the Affordable Care Act goes fully into effect. Insurance exchanges will increase my ability to pick & choose an insurance company & plan that fits my needs, not the needs of the majority of my co-workers.
So, wait till then to have a baby, right? Easy choice.
Except that's 2 years from now, and I'm already on the upper end of my child-bearing comfort zone. (Also not the topic of debate for the day.)

So, the hard choice. Just pay more for the thing I really want. If it's that important, do it. And it is that important. There are things I can give up, without too much pain, to make up the difference.
I know that's a luxury.
My mom (30+ years in insurance claims, till she moved here to spoil her granddaughter) crunched some numbers today. Thanks to a generously low deductible, the differential will actually be less than we thought. Just under $1400. My husband & I both work, and we (currently) have but one child. But that's still a lot of money to us. Can you imagine a family with one income and more kids? Or just more kids? Or a sick kid?
Not a luxury everyone can afford.

Speaking of cost differences. If you've had a baby, you know the hospitals require you to pay in advance for your birth. They estimate the cost, based on the average. I got around $200 back. That would have been just my cost for an anesthesiologist and epidural. I remember factoring it out at the time. I came up with a figure over $4000 dollars that I saved the healthcare system overall.

And I'll do it again. You're welcome.

Silence is Golden ... and now Broken (Healthcare part 1)

I've been trying not to write this post for over a month now.
It's too serious.
This blog is supposed to be light-hearted, a place to unwind. At the heaviest, to consider parenting dilemmas, such as which Disney princess to allow my daughter to emulate.
But. I can't keep this inside any more.
I don't get opposition to the Affordable Care Act. Every time I hear "Obamacare," I cringe. I guess it's appropriate. I assume that's the part many opponents dislike about the law.

Most people aren't going to argue with the goal of the law - improved access to health services and improved health outcomes for all Americans. At least, they aren't going to argue with it out loud.

And the thing is - each part of it is necessary. They imply each other. The best analogy I've seen is "the three-legged stool."

1. Require insurance companies to cover everyone.
2. Mandate everyone to have health insurance.
3. Subsidize people who truly cannot afford health insurance.

Remove one, and the stool falls down. And, the mandate is the one with a big bull's eye on its back, right?

• If insurance companies cover everyone, but not everyone has to buy -- healthy people wait till their sick to buy insurance; premiums go up up up.

If you want to opt out of buying insurance, and you were never ever going to use the healthcare system? More power to you. 

But when people get sick? (Even if they intentionally are intentionally uninsured or truly couldn't afford it.) They typically go get healthcare. And when uninsured people get healthcare, hospitals lose money. So -- Hospitals have to charge insurance companies more for services to their patients to make up the difference. 

And then? MY premiums go up.

So I? I believe in the mandate. I believe it in strongly.

Did you get your kids vaccinated with all the vaccines your doctor said was mandatory? Most likely. Because otherwise, your kids can't go to school.

We mandate vaccines because they only work when enough people have them -- herd immunity.

Insurance is similar. It only works if enough people have it.

Now that I've started, I find I have more to say about this. Like - 1. why I would prefer my health insurance not be tied to my employer. And 2. what a great world it would be if there were no health disparities. But those will have to wait for another day.

Belated

Sunday was Mothers Day.
For that occasion, I intended to add my voice to the host celebrating motherhood.

Monday, my grandma would have been 80.
For that occasion, I intended to write up some of my favorite memories of her.

On both occasions, I failed in my intentions. Something else came up. Sunday, I believe that something was Storage Wars. Monday, I know that something was falling asleep next to my daughter while protecting her from a big, bad thunderstorm.

At any rate, I attempt now - to multitask. It isn't a stretch. After all, most often, when I think of my grandma now, it's in the context of wishing she could be here to see my daughter. Or, wishing my daughter could meet my grandma.

Here are the things I think my daughter would love most about my grandma:

• Her smile. It was tremendous. Radiant. Infectious. I don't remember ever being sad around my grandma.  Sorry, I have no pictures to share online - they're all tucked in old albums. :)
• Her tolerance. Throughout her life, no one was unwelcome. No, not just that - everyone was welcome. My grandma was born & raised, lived & died in rural Nebraska, with very little exposure to people not of European descent. Yet, she never seemed to have one thought prejudging anyone.
• Her strength. My grandma lived with severe arthritis her whole life. She survived breast cancer. She lived her last several years with Alzheimer's Disease. So much for one woman. She could have become bitter. But she never did. I never once heard her complain. Her life was beautiful. 
• Her love. My daughter does know my grandpa. If she gets to know him long enough, she'll know how much he & my grandma loved each other. Their love is and was an inspiration to me, and (I can only assume) to everyone who knew them.

My best memories of my grandma happened around their kitchen table. When my brother & I were younger, we'd stay at their farm for weekends or sometimes a week over summer or Christmas break. We'd stay up past our bedtimes, drink too much pop (that's Nebraska for soda), eat too much junk, and play cards - lots of cards. Lots. 

Years later, I stayed with grandma & grandpa while I worked on the 2000 campaign, just across the river in Iowa. We had more times around the kitchen table. This time, I got to have my very own beer. We didn't play cards. We just chatted. And that's how I know. 

I know that even the Alzheimer's didn't change who she was. She still smiled. She was tolerant & strong. And she loved. And she is loved.

She would love my daughter. And my daughter would love her.

Here are the things I think my grandma would love most about her great-granddaughter:

• Her smile. It too is infectious. It gets you even when you're trying to tell her to stop doing what she thinks is so funny. Because it's usually funny. Also, I think Grandma would say out loud what I know my mom thinks -- "Serves you right. You were always an ornery little thing."
• Her imagination. My daughter can have full conversations with non-humans. Not just the dog, or a dolly or a stuffed animal. But her sippy cups. Bugs. Or the sun. -- "No, no, sun! Get outta my eyes!"
• Her smarts. My daughter charms everyone she meets my using complete sentences in that little girl voice. -- Most commonly, "I need to watch Diego." (She has not quite mastered "need" v. "want" - but then, neither have I.)
• Her love. She loves me, her daddy, her doggie. Unconditionally. When I loose my temper just a little? (In the latter half of an hour bedtime, for example.) All's forgiven. When daddy can't retrieve a balloon that's already floated well above the house? He's still her hero. When the dog knocks her on her butt with his rudder of a tail? He still gets kisses big enough to leave her a mouthful of fur. She loves my mom, my dad, her teachers, her cousins, my grandpa.

My best memories of my daughter are happening now. (Not right now. She's in bed, and I'm blogging. Silly.) 

I hope that she will always be who she is. That nothing will change her smile, her imagination, or her smarts. I hope that she will always love. I know that she will always be loved.

She would love my grandma. And my grandma would love her.

Here are some people whose love they share. To name a few. :)

Our Marriage

Whenever I hear it, I have no idea what it means:

"The sanctitiy of marriage" --- whose marriage?

Often, those who would define marriage as between a man & a woman state we must ban gay marriage to protect "the sanctity of marriage."

Do I really have to point out all the ridiculous, sad, mortifying, and "unsanct" things married straight people do? Because really? If I do? Pick up a gossip rag in line at the grocery store and see for yourself.

If we can define the sex organs of who marries whom, where does it end?

My husband & I wrote our own wedding vows. Why not just use the ones the church provided? Because we don't go to church. We are atheists. We don't believe in God. Sometimes I wish I did, but I don't. And I think it's a sad irony. Many gay people do believe in God. Yet, their loves are "unsanct," not marriage-worthy. While little heathen me can marry to her hearts' content, all thanks to wanting to do that with someone of the opposite sex.

In a few weeks my husband & I will celebrate four years of marriage. We're still learning how to live our vows. We believe that's the whole idea. 

We believe. 

Nothing that happens inside anyone else's marriage affects ours in the least bit.

We believe in our marriage. 

A framed copy of our vows hangs outside our bedroom. It's a great reminder when those inevitable little irritants fester. It also represents the fact that our marriage is the center of our lives and our little family.

Here they are. If you fancy them, I welcome ANY two people who love to use them.

Marriage is a commitment to life,

and to the best that two people can find and bring out in each other.

It offers opportunities for growth and sharing that no other human relationship can

equal. It is a physical and emotional joining that is promised for a lifetime.

There will be space in our togetherness, allowing each to be individuals, with hearts

and minds of our own.

For only by being a whole person can we have something to give the other.

We will keep the freedom of spirit which individually brought us to stand together.

*

These things I promise to you from this day forward:
I will be faithful to you.

I will be honest with you.

I will respect and trust you.

I will care for you, and I will share my life with you, 

through the best and worst of what is to come, 

until death do us part.

This ring I give you, as an outward symbol of our vows.

This ring has no beginning and no ending, 

so too the love between us.

As I place it on your finger, 

I give you all that I am and ever hope to be.

*

When two people pledge to love and care for each other in marriage, they create a spirit unique to themselves, which binds them closer than any spoken or written words.

Marriage is a promise, a potential, made in the hearts of two people who love,

which takes a lifetime to fulfill.

"Routine" v. "Boring"

Whew!
What a weekend!

Our normal weekend looks like this:
Friday night - something easy for dinner, watch some TV after getting the kiddo to bed.
Saturday - simple breakfast at home, play around the house & maybe take a walk, simple lunch at home, toddler nap (sometimes mom and/or dad too!), go out and do some shopping or whatnot, simple dinner out, watch some TV after getting kiddo to bed.
Sunday - see Saturday.

This weekend looked like this:
Friday night - simple dinner, making party favors for husband's 42nd birthday party. We also watched part of second-to-last Harry Potter movie.

These say - The Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything.

The other sides say - 42.

It's from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Yes, we are nerds.

Saturday - took daughter to my mom's & went to work for the morning. (Husband was working from home.) Went to a party for a co-worker in the afternoon. Met husband & daughter back at my mom's. The 3 of us went to his birthday party - at this place that is literally ALL THINGS - a bowling alley, movie theater, comedy club, arcade, bar, restaurant. It was a blast, but a tad overstimulating for a toddler operating on a half-nap. My dad stopped to pick up the kiddo & take her to their house for a sleepover. After they left, we CUT LOOSE. Way fun, probably much needed. 25ish friends. Fun fun fun.

Sunday - slept in a little, woke up very surprised not to be hungover. Went to get kiddo at Oma & Papa's. Went to breakfast. Stopped back at work. Kiddo fell asleep in car with daddy, thus ruining her real afternoon nap. Tried to keep the rest of the afternoon chill. Reclaimed a normal weekend with chillin&grillin. 

The weekend ... was awesome. Completely & totally awesome. But also? Exhausting. I would not trade it for anything. But, maybe the best part of it --- is reaffirming how much I love our usual routine. 

"Routine" gets a bad reputation -- lumped in with "boring." I respectfully disagree. 

My week will not be routine this week actually - only working Tuesday & Wednesday! But, my weekend will be routine. And it will be awesome.

Have a great week, everyone!

Past Perfect

Last night. My backyard. Sitting with my baby in a 70-year-old glider. (Unfortunately, I did not have my camera-hand available! But you get the idea)

I am the 4th generation of my family to sit in this glider. My parents gave it to me about a year ago. Here we are then -

My parents now live 30 minutes from me; I see them at least twice weekly and talk to one or both daily. I talk to my grandpa at least once weekly. I don't really need a connection to the past. Yet, it occurred to me that I certainly have one is this bit of furniture.

My daughter & I sit there after a day apart. She straddles my lap and rests her little head on my shoulder. We glide and watch the birds and listen to their songs. (And by the way, she's not a baby anymore. She turned TWO Sunday!)

Yesterday, as so often, there were many cardinals among the melee. I let my mind drift.

First, I had a perfectly silly thought. I wondered whether Cardinals were named after the bird or vice versa. Then, just as quickly, I realized that was totally ridiculous, that of course high-ranking Church officials had not chosen their names or wardrobes to resemble a little bird. Sometimes you have to wait for inspiration to strike.

Then I saw a cardinal that was simply perfect. His red so brilliant. I thought, "why aren't they all that red?" Evolution and all. Being more eye-catching, he's at a competitive advantage. After thousands of years, here he was - a total stand-out. Yet, the duller (still beautiful) birds would also procreate.

This struck me as a cheerful thought. If an entire species hasn't quite gotten it right, and after thousands of years - then surely I can be excused for my imperfections. Yesterday was a near-perfect day, but today? Today, this thought was a handy one - forgotten wallet, dropped & exploded soda, leaking lunch bag (balsamic vinegar!) and so on.

Open letter to my parents' "friendly neighbor":

I found this note on my windshield this morning.

Let me back up. My 2 year-old daughter and I stayed with my parents last night. Their house, my work, and my daughter's daycare are all very close together. They are all also much closer to where I went out with my friends last night than to where my husband, our daughter & I live. (To back farther up, I go out with friends infrequently - every other month or so.)

When I first saw this note, I was fairly enraged. I got to work, showed my work-pals & had a good rant. Not satisfied, I posted it to Twitter, Facebook & texted it to my mom (with the subject: friendly neighbors).

Then you know what I did? No, I didn't forget about it. I couldn't. I was getting too many funny, loving comments from friends.

I had planned to tell you how excusable my bad park job was. Because it was bad; I don't deny that.
Okay, I'll tell you. There was this big pile of leaves. It was dark. I thought I was parking in one spot, not two. So, yes - I was right on that line. And in the light? I smacked my own forehead before I saw the note.

I had planned to write a rant. The central themes: 1 - this is where you live! Do NOT under any circumstances call your neighbors assholes (to their faces). 2 - doing an asshole-y thing does not make you an asshole.


But here's what I'm writing instead: I have so much to be grateful for. So much that makes me happy.

Like - this happy ---

• I have parents who love me & my daughter. If they didn't also love my husband & my happy marriage, they'd be happy to have us over all the time!
• I have a funny, sweet husband who loves me & cracks me up. His response to my Facebook post? "stop whining, asshole." Which immediately made me think, "I love him," even before I saw his next comment: "too soon?"
• I have those friends I mentioned. Some I see daily. Others I've not seen in 10+ years. Some I already knew were kindred spirits. Others were happy surprises.
• I have a group of amazing co-workers, who not only support my professional goals but who say all the right things when I need them to!
• Not to mention, I share with these women a career that energizes & challenges me!
• I have an amazing daughter, who sits in the car seat in my asshole-looking SUV, who makes me laugh, and whom I strive to teach the practice of kindness.

Munchkin & Buddha - what assholes.

Based on my crack forensic handwriting analysis (& a look around my parents' condo complex) - the perp is a decently-employed female in her mid-twenties. In my mid-twenties, I wasn't the most sensitive person alive. Nor was I the most grateful person alive.

So, here's what else I'm going to do. I'm going to wish that this young woman finds herself exponentially happier in 10 years than she is now. 

Asshole.

Quantum Angst

"I can't decide what I want. Will you split these two things with me?"


I can't tell you how many times I've asked this of a fellow diner at a restaurant. Always someone I'm with, swear! I become infinitely more fond of anyone who says yes. My husband used to say yes regularly till he had me hooked; now I really have to beg.

Entrees are divisible. Circumstances are not. 

I can have half an omelet and half a French Toast.

My daughter cannot simultaneously have her shoes on and have her shoes off. Yet, time after time lately, this seems to be exactly what she wants. Or, to simultaneously have her sandals on and her boots on.

I cannot, just for example, have half an only child and half a family of four.
(Disclaimer: for the purposes of this discussion, it matters not at all that said husband wants an only child. So, if he happens to read this, we need not have that discussion again ... right now.)


I am quite sure that many parents have the same internal debate after their first child that I am having now.

Me: "She should have a little brother/sister."

Myself: "She's great just the way she is, and we're all happy."

I: "But maybe down the road, you & she will wish you had."

Me: "Well, maybe if we do, we'll wish we hadn't."

Myself: "You're not getting any younger, maybe you should just consider yourself lucky that you had one wildly healthy child."

I: "40's the new 30, and I'm ONLY THIRTY-FIVE!!!!"

And so on. ad nauseum.

Here's the thing. What I want. What I really want. Is both. At the same time.

This is not unique to the only child v. second child debate. This is my life.

I do not actually understand quantum mechanics. What I sort of get is that a subatomic particle cannot simultaneously be in two physical states at one time.

I'm just a Sci-Fi nerd with some angst. I see it beginning in my daughter on a smaller scale. I call it quantum angst.

We can't be the only ones who wants it both ways? Or can we?

Cowlicks

Cowlicks are like life, like art, like parenting.

For years, I thought I couldn't have bangs because I had such a severe cowlick. But, as you know, unless you live under a rock, bangs are kinda in lately. They were taunting me. Finally, I decided to go for it. I figured if I didn't like the bangs, I'd pin them back --- which is pretty much what I do with the longer flop of hair in front anyway. The stylist & I agreed to go fairly long & not very heavy - you know, starter bangs. They just whet my appetite. So ... I had my mom follow the lead & cut shorter, heavier bangs. Crazy? Again, there are always bobby pins & headbands. But they're fabulous. And she can trim them weekly if I want for free. The stylist had taught me how to blow dry & straighten the bangs, so that they'd hang in a uniform curtain across my forehead. I smiled & nodded. It was the ideal. But I knew I'd never ever do it. I have done it, once or twice, but you know what - I like what the cowlick does to the bangs. It's cute & it's my own.

Here's how I draw a life lesson from this haircut. Basically, I decided my apprehension was BS, and I went for it. My life almost never looks like the picture in my mind. But it's mine, and it's wonderful.

As for parenting & art ... have you ever planned an art project or "sensory experience" for a toddler? If so, you know what I mean. I can have a great plan, gather all the materials, deck us both out in grubby clothes, and she has a completely different idea of what we're doing. Most often the finished product isn't ready for a gallery or even a scrapbook. But the memories, the smiles & the giggles will stay in my heart forever.

Take today - I had printed a list of "sensory experiences" from Pinterest (of course), and my big idea was to use straws to blow cotton balls across the coffee table. Well, first of all, I grabbed bendy straws, and they ended up making quite musical sounds. So that was fun. (Music! Art!) Secondly, although she could make lovely music, the kiddo could not quite get the air to blow anything anywhere, so -- instead -- she used her straw to just bat the balls off the table. She was so proud of herself. Then I decided we could take a walk. We got as far as the empty lot a few houses down, where she proceeded to play in the dirt for about 20 minutes.

I love plans, and I plan to continue to plan. But the unexpected outcomes can be amazing.

PS - Redirecting to Gratitude & Listening

This is a quick lunch break post, so it doesn't count as time spent away from my goals in the previous post! :)

In 2011, I definitely did a better job of listening & being grateful. In 2012, I want to continue to improve.

Gratitude:

• I have said before & will say again - it's hard to work in a hospital & not feel grateful. But that is largely a negative form of gratitude. As in, "I'm so glad I'm not sick, and my loved ones aren't either."
• What I want to work on is a postive gratitude. I have much to be actively thankful for - as mentioned in my last post: a great husband, wonderful daughter & sweet dog.
• I also have a great relationship with & lots of support from my parents - who, by the way, also provide a great example of a successful marriage!
• I work in a great hospital, with a group of amazing professionals, who have turned out to be a wonderful group of friends as well.
• I have extended family & friends all over the country, whom I get to see from time to time, and whom I love keeping up with otherwise!
• This year I will start statements of gratitude with "I am" or "I have" rather than "I am not" or "I don't have".

Listening:

• In my defense, I am very interesting. (Very). But this year, I want to do more listening than talking. With friends, family, and total strangers. I have gotten much better at asking questions of others. Yet, I still find myself considering my next statement while they're talking. I also tend to dominate conversations.
• This year, I will listen more & talk less.

Thanks for listening. Happy New Year ... again. :)

Redirecting

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye. More accurately --- see less of you for the next few months.

There's only so many areas in which one person can direct their energies. When that person is a working mom, two of those directions are non-negotiable. The limited time remaining becomes very precious. Any time taken away from parenting better darn-well be worth it.

So here's the deal - I have been spending some of that time blogging & on Twitter. Time I am about to lose. You see, I have been on a leave from my Masters in Public Health program. There were no more regular classes to take, and I couldn't take my final exams till June. But now, it's time for me to start working on my final paper and studying for said exams. So ... I have a studying & writing schedule. I strongly believe scheduling the time early and sticking to it, will allow me to feel like I have time do other things I care about.

If I want to maintain adequate time for the family & career, and maintain some sanity, something needs to go. So I will be taking a leave from the blog-o-sphere for the next few months. So the biggest redirection for the next six months: Study more; Social media less!

Of course, all work & no play just doesn't work for me, so -- I will also spend time on other things too.

I firmly believe that where you direct positive energy, you create positive energy. So -- in addition to my Masters work, here's where I'll be directing my positive energy these next few months.



1. Special time with my daughter.

• I've never considered myself a crafty person. You should see the baby blanket I made my cousin's daughter some years ago. I dropped a stitch nearly every line, and it looks like a pennant. But kid crafts - I can handle. And they're a hoot. My daughter always comes up with some spin on my plan that is totally unexpected & way fun. Weekends will still find us up to our elbows in paint or pouring corn from one container to another.

2. Special time with my Hubben.

• You can laugh all you want that this mainly means watching science fiction series after getting our Munchkin to bed, but it works for us. We also plot out home improvement projects, mainly at my nagging. We debate about where to go on future trips & reminisce about past ones. We even occasionally go on a real date.

3. Special time with my dog

• Our dog & I have been a bit on the outs since I had my baby. He's kind of a butt to her, and it just drove me crazy. He felt my annoyance. And ... he became more annoying. I got more annoyed. And so on & so forth. A few weeks ago, for whatever reason, I decided to start walking Bernie after putting the kiddo to bed. I started calling it our special time. He instantly loved it. He's more calm. He even seems more tolerant of our daughter. This has made me feel better toward him, and he's continued to respond to that. And so on & so forth.

So ... that's where my energies will be going the next few months. I will admit that I've gotten a little addicted to blogging. I wouldn't be surprised if something comes up that I just have to write about. I also hope to keep up with some of my fave blogs as well. One of which is Liberating Working Moms, where I just linked up. Won't you check them out?


Above all, I will not overextend myself. I love my life best when I stick to this -- it leaves me rested & energetic, able to fully engage with the most important "directions" in my life.

Happy New Year!

Redefining Everything - with Christmas wishes for all

When I hear fellow moms say how they miss me time or going out as much or whatnot, I try to respond appropriately. But I don’t miss it – any of it. That may sound pathetic, but it’s true.

Part of it is how ready I was for my life to change. I was a happy person before my husband and daughter. But I wanted a loving partner, and I wanted to have a family. I got both. I got both after ample time to sow my wild oats. I was out of oats.

Sometimes I feel like a different person entirely from the Sower Of Oats. I used to occasionally wish she’d sown fewer of them. But I finally understand that for whatever reason, the oats were there. If she hadn’t sown them, I don’t think I would be as happy as I am now. I’d always wonder what I was missing. I don’t have to wonder. One day I’ll make true and lasting peace with that rather large dragon tattoo she left me with. (And yes, I do often refer to past-me as a different person. Henceforth, we’ll call her SOO. Judge if you so wish.)

When I do start to feel a little frazzled with the demands of being a working mom, I find myself thinking back to my early 20’s. My couple years in DC were SOO’s heyday.  But you know what pops into my head most often? Not long nights out on the town. Not hijinx or hoopla of any kind. Nope. Instead, there’s me in my tiny apartment, in my $20 Goodwill chair, with my beloved cat Lali on my lap; I’m watching Star Trek: Voyager and crocheting (badly). The apartment was 300 square feet, in a part of town no one would visit, and its view (through a barred window) was of an alley. What’s the appeal? I had no responsibilities – outside feeding Lali and scooping her box. I held two very easy jobs while I lived there, the kind you do when you have no idea what you want to do but you have a college degree. I did not think about them when I left the office. I had fewer responsibilities even than in college – no tuition bill or grades to my parents, you see. I was farther away from home, and I lived alone. I don’t remember being lonely, though apparently I was, since I got a (totally awesome) roommate my second year there. I remember just being me, doing the lamest stuff imaginable and loving it.

It was this small, but never this cool. And never ever that bright!

All my time in DC was me time. Not because I was alone. Being alone is not necessary or sufficient for true me time. It was me time because I lacked responsibility.  By that definition, no time is me time now. Even when my daughter is with my parents or at daycare, there’s always the possibility of a phone call – with some question or report, be it mundane or dramatic, for which I am to be the final arbiter.

That would be some existence! Fortunately, that’s not how I feel.  For the most part, I’ve simply redefined me time. For one thing, I have bothered to define it at all. And I bother to make sure I take a little on a regular basis. I know I’m getting better at it, because my mind drifts less frequently to that DC apartment.

Everyone has only so much time in a day. I have things I feel I need to do: getting food on the table, keeping us all clean and in clean clothes.  That’s of course on top of working full time. (On top of professional organizations and part-time grad school.) I also need to take care of personal needs, which for me fit into three categories – 1. I need to be social in some way.  2. I need to cultivate my relationship with my husband. 3. I need to do some of the lame things I enjoyed pre-baby.  (Lucky me, 2 and 3 usually go together, since I married a fellow nerd!)

For the most part, I’ve found the rest fits into one of three other categories – A. It can wait. B. You can pay other people to do it for you. C. It doesn’t need to be done.

Now, I greatly enjoy my mommy time. I have gone completely nuts on crafty projects, mostly due to Pinterest. They don’t always work out quite the way I expect, but that’s part of the fun. I love reading to her, letting her read to me, and watching her little mind work and change.  Being a mom has introduced me to this whole other wonderful world.

The me time is essential though – for recharging as a mom and for maintaining myself as an individual. Being a working mom has forced me to redefine how I truly want to spend my time. I don’t have endless hours just to myself. I have to prioritize. And actually, that’s been a pretty good thing. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? I appreciate this resource of “me time” because it is limited!

I have given myself a few free passes; my C pile is pretty large but small compared to my A pile. I also take me time as I can get it. I make the most of little bits as they present themselves. My commute has become me time. I love my routine, especially my coffee! I love letting my mind just drift. Sometimes I plan out what I need to get done that day at work or that evening at home. I even plan the following week’s meals sometimes! I also get my news while I drive. I love NPR like a dear friend!  Sometimes the love of mind-drifting gets in the way of the news.

I may not get my hair cut or my brows waxed as often as some women, but no less often than I did pre-baby. My last brow-wax was a last-minute decision before the grocery store. I also (usually) have hours after she goes to before I want to, so that’s when I blog, tweet, Facebook, watch a little adult TV, maybe shop online, and so on.

I didn’t consciously redefine. It happened because I redefined my priorities, also not consciously. I’d simply rather come home and make yet another handprint craft with my daughter after dinner (always on bathnight!), watch Finding Nemo yet again, put her to bed, then hang out quietly with my Hubben.

With Christmas around the corner, it’s hard not to think about what you want or need. I quickly redefined wants & needs upon entering motherhood! I can’t claim that there’s nothing I want that I don’t have. I certainly have everything I need. And, I have the things that I want most. That’s an amazing gift indeed. My grown-up Christmas wish this year is that everyone could say the same.

Simple Solutions

Sometimes (okay, often-times) I over-analyze.
Sometimes (not as often as I'd like) this works out well.
Sometimes (too often) it just drives me crazy and doesn't bring a solutions.

Lately, I've noticed that sometimes, the best solution is the simplest one. And, lucky for my budget, a cheaper one.

Here are some examples:

• Clutter 
• We have an open layout home and an open construction coffee table in the living room. We store toys under the coffee table. 
• Problem: our common area looks like a play room.
• Solution: I'd been searching for a storage ottoman for months. I kept objecting to how pricey they are. This weekend, I had the earth-shattering idea to move the toys into my toddler's bedroom. It's right off the main room anyway, so it's not like I'm banishing her to Siberia to accomplish this.
• Added bonus: (I'm hoping) doing things in her room more often might get her to like sleeping there better!

• Crazy Dog
• We only had our dog for a year before our baby came along. Still, you'd think we disrupted some long-existing arrangement for him. (Granted, he was 4 when we got him and had lived with a bachelor before that, but still.)
• Problem: he acts like she is the plague despite her adoration for him. It drives me crazy. I show it. He gets more & more neurotic.
• Solution: After a brief break from him (a few days away to visit friends), I felt better toward him. I capitalized on it and started taking him out for walks after kiddo's bedtime. He's feels comfortable; he behaves better. I like him better, and I show it, and he behaves better .... and so on!
• Added bonus: see below.
• Exercise
• I've tried a few different ideas. The rowing machine & weights after kiddo's bedtime was working out pretty well till I got a sick a couple weeks ago, and I just haven't gotten back into it.
• Problem: I think we all know the challenges of establishing a work-out routine.
• Solution: See above!
• Added bonus: happy dog! :)

My point? Solutions don't have to be hard. Maybe they do require lots of thought. After all, I came to these after thinking through and trying other, more complicated ones.
In the future, when something's a little amiss, I'm going to think: is there something totally obvious that I'm overlooking?
We'll see if it keeps working!

Birthday Reflections

Tomorrow. The sun will come out.
And I?
I will turn 35.
THIRTY. FIVE.
Do you know what that means?
It means that IF I ever want another child, I will have to have a "high risk pregnancy."
That. Sucks.

Now I am 90% certain that I don't want another child. Not because of the high risk pregnancy label, but because the reason that most frequently crosses my mind for wanting one -- is so I can name another one. Kind of a dumb reason to bring another child into the world. The next most frequent -- all my friends are doing it. Also a pretty dumb reason to do anything. The reason that most frequently crosses my mind for not wanting one -- I have never been happier. Just ... why mess with it, you know?

So, I've never been happier. I don't want another child right now. Why the eff do I care that I'm turning 35 and passing into some arbitrary risk group? Because. That's right - because. Because I hate being told what I should or shouldn't do. Sure, no one says you can't have a baby after 35 and certainly more & more women do. But it's that "You can, buuuuut ..." - it's almost worse than just a black or white.

Then there's the "what if's" --- We don't want another child now. But what if someday we decide we do want another baby? Like when D's 4 or even 5. Will I feel too old then? Will I be too old then?

I used to say I had no regrets. If you go back and fix one thing in your past, how do you know what else it would change? For example, if I went back and met my husband sooner, and started a family sooner, sure I'd have more time for a 2nd child, BUT would I have gotten the amazing little girl I have now?
Now? I say - screw that, I want to pick & choose. I want to have exactly the life I have now, except be 3 years younger. (I feel like 5 or more years would be asking too much. Doesn't 3 sound reasonable?)

I know this will pass. I have always loved celebrating my birthdays. Those divisible by 5 in particular. There are 3 full days of festivities planned. Outside the concrete gifts and the external celebrations, there's the best gift I've given myself lately - acceptance. I accept who I am; I actually like myself a lot. I accept turning 35, but I don't have to like it -- at least not tonight.

Linear time, you are a cruel master.

Giving Thanks

In my mission statement posts, I noted that I seek to find the joy in the small stuff. I thought Thanksgiving Eve would be a more than appropriate occasion to list out some of the small (& big) things that give me joy.

• Family - (We'll start with the obvious biggie.) I have a fantastic husband, a wonderful daughter, and amazing parents. In a state far, far away (called Nebraska), I have more family, for who I am also grateful. 

Look at us. All on our honeymoon & stuff.

Look at her all small & unsuspecting. And do you know I really have grown to love her more EVERY dang day??

They SAY they moved to Florida for the beach. The beach was here all along. A certain granddaughter was not. ;)

Family

More Family

• My job - it's rewarding & not overly stressful. I have a true "work-life balance." I work with a great group of people. My immediate work group consists of some of my closest Florida friends, aside from being an inspiring collection of professionals. The group I work with inside the hospital offers me still more great friendships and still more hardworking colleagues. Oh, also - I have a job. I have a job in a hospital, which gives me a unique sense of gratitude for ...
• My health - Oh, I'm sure we're all grateful for our health. It's part of the litany of things we say we're grateful for, right? I always said so. This is my 6th year working in a hospital. I'm amazed every day at my incredible fortune to be so healthy and to have healthy friends & family. Every day, I feel like I haven't quite learned the lesson adequately and resolve that I need to stay right where I am.
• If it were only that though, it would be a morbid lesson, wouldn't it? I'm not dying, so I should be grateful. What's inspiring is how wonderful many of the people are. The joy that patients and family can find - even in the worst of times. It's that lesson that I'm grateful for, and that I want to keep learning.
• Technology - That family back in Nebraska? I am actually able to keep in pretty good contact with them. Oh, I suppose a hundred years ago, I would have written letters, or simply not moved to Florida. But the fact that I was able to pick up & move to this place where my life found me ... yet, still pick up the phone and talk to my Grandpa once a week - Amazing. Worth giving thanks for. In particular ...
• Social Media - Facebook has allowed me to reconnect with old friends. In some cases, I've become better friends with someone online than I was in real life! Blogging & Twitter introduced me to a whole host of people (mostly women) with similar interests and concerns. I've made real connections with erstwhile total strangers.
• Not to mention that I have friends back home that are even worth keeping in touch with, added to the fact that we DO keep in touch. That's worth saying thank you!
• Gratitude - what? No, I mean it. I'm grateful that I'm grateful. I remember being a discontented teen. I remember not seeing the joy in small things and how wonderful life is. I'm not entirely sure where the credit lies for the change --- The sun shining nearly every day where I live now? Having found my life's love? Having become the mother to a wonderful child? Just having grown older?
• Mistakes - I'm grateful that they've mostly been pretty harmless. The bigger ones of the past have not impeded my current happiness. The bumps here & there in the here & now tend to simply help me correct course.

There's more I give little thanks for every day. Today, I was thrilled to find my perfect K-cup (Tully's Kona Blend). I savored the pumpkin whoopie pie a work-pal brought in. I was delighted when my daughter started tapping the beat to La Grange when it came on the end of an NPR story. I was doubly delighted, when I told my husband the story; he found the song on YouTube, and we had a family dance party. I even took pleasure in exercising & listening to podcasts, then pre-prepping a few Thanksgiving dishes while listening to music.

There's big & small joy out there. Find your happy; follow it ... then don't forget to notice it!

 What do you see worth a little gratitude?

Happy Thanksgiving Day! And Happy Giving Thanks Daily!

No Shame in being in the 99

There's plenty of discussion about why our wealth distribution is so uneven; whether we should change it; and how we could accomplish that.

I would like to discuss why some people reject the very idea. Why do many want to refuse to admit being in the 99?

Remember The Usual Suspects? "The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing the world he didn't exist." Not quite that - but something along those lines --- the 1% has convinced the 99% that being in the 99% means you're a lazy no-good do-nothing.

That's not what being the 99% means. It means a lot of things. It means as many things as it means to be an American. Or a Human.

I'm not quite sure how to fix this misunderstanding. I think sharing our stories is a good start. I've really enjoyed the "I am the 99%" letters I've seen out there. The ones that seem to get the most attention are the really dire stories. That's understandable. Unfortunately, I think it plays into the perception that "I can't be part of the 99%! That's not like me!" There are many shades of gray between the saddest stories and the 1%.

For example: there's me ---
I have a good job, with great benefits.
My husband also has a good job.
We have a nice home, reliable vehicles, good health, and money left over to go out sometimes & take occasional trips.
We live within our means, and we're very happy.
I don't have it rough at all. I never did.
I had good luck, AND I worked hard.

Good luck and hard work are not mutually exclusive. Would I have worked hard enough to overcome bad luck? I'm always left without an answer to that question. My fear is - no.

There are also shades of gray between the Occupy movements & class warfare. And EVEN more gray between what the present situation & socialism.